MADRID!

Seriously, I'm the worst blogger ever. That's ironic since I edit and write blogs for a living. We are in Spain now! We were in London about a week, then we took the Chunnel, which is an underground train tunnel that goes beneath the English channel from London to Paris and other places. I didn't even know it existed. We rode the train through it to Paris, where we spent two days. We saw the Eiffel Tower, which is way cooler in real life than it is in pictures. I was surprised at how rad Paris actually was. It was dirty and smelly, but I think most major European cities are. We walked for like 9 hours on the day we decided to see all the tourist attractions. We walked up the hill to a famous basilica that's the highest point in Paris, then down to Moulin Rouge just for a picture, then to the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame Cathedral, the Louvre, and more. We were touring on Easter day so not much was open, but it was rad to see the outsides of the famous buildings anyway. After Paris, we went to Barcelona, where we stayed in RamCat Hostel. It's right by La Rambla, which is a famous street of shopping and people watching that leads out to the beach and a famous statue of Christopher Columbus. We did a lot of walking in Barcelona too, but the weather was perfectly warm so it was great! We didn't get in any beach time because it was raining before we left, so we'll have to soak up extra sun in the other beach cities we go to on this trip. We saw La Sagrada Familia, the Barcelona Cathedral, Park Guell, and a ton of famous art by Antonio Gaudi. That guy was amazing. Now we're in Madrid. I spent a month here in August 2010, so I feel right at home. I know my way around the city, vaguely, so I feel more comfortable here than I have in the other places that were brand new to me. I'm excited to be here again. It's a rad city. Today we walked for like 8 hours (so far) and wandered around town, admired the Metropolis, which is my favorite building, and explored the Retiro Park. While we were there, a guy came up and asked us if we were there to buy weed. Europe.... he was surprised to learn that we were just there to admire the trees and fountains and people. This trip is getting much better. I had a really rough start in London, but I'm getting into the swing of living out of a suitcase and having my schedule thrown off every day. Traveling is a lot of work, but it's worth it to see the rad stuff I'm seeing. I know I'm lucky to be on this trip, so I'm going to at least enjoy it!

I'm in LONDON!!!

I know I swore I'd write a blog every day, but today was my fourth day and the first time I've felt stable enough to write a blog post or to do anything, essentially. Today is the first day I feel happy to be here and I don't feel anxiety every second. It's the first day I started to remember the reasons I came here, and remembered that this is the trip of a lifetime, or can be, if I let it be. So here it goes.

I was expecting it to be easy when I got here. I went to Spain with my mom a year and a half ago, so I thought the main problem was going to be getting across "the pond" by myself. To be honest, I didn't put much thought into this trip. If I thought about it, I wouldn't have come. I would have convinced myself of a million reasons why it couldn't or shouldn't work, so now that I am here, I'm realizing what a huge thing it is.

Because I was such a mess the past few days, I'll skip those parts and just give you highlights. So far I haven't done many touristy things here because it was General Conference weekend. Diana has been going to the ward here, so she made some young adult friends, who I met on my first night here. I don't remember much, but I'm being tagged in pictures so apparently I was around people.

We watched 3 of the sessions of conference that were broadcast here. We took 2 buses to the church and walked a few blocks. One of the times we got a free watter bottle and egg salad/salmon/cracker bites from some guys on the street. They were selling insurance? Homes? Not sure.

The young adults here rock. Seriously. I am sure there are stuffy British people here somewhere, but every single person I have met is absolutely friendly and nicer than most Americans I know. This morning when we were leaving Oiying's house permanently, one of her neighbors, John, was outside in his yard getting the mail or something. He greeted us cheerfully and asked us where we were going and how we enjoyed our stay in the neighborhood and in London. He was seriously ecstatic to see us. Quite a jolly fellow.

For my first 3 nights here, we stayed with a 63 year old Malasian woman named Oiying. Diana talked to her at church once and I had never met her, but she was nice enough to open her home and let us sleep on the floor of a spare bedroom. We wore slippers inside her house and ate a couple of meals with her and got to know about her culture. She was adorable in every possible way. Pictures to come later.

Now we're at Diana's friend Naomi's house. She'd been staying here for a few weeks but wanted to give her a weekend of solitude, so that's why we ended up with Oiying. We'll be here for 2 nights, then off to France.

Today we toured the Tower of London and saw the Tower Bridge. It was quite an interesting tour and we learned about English royalty and a lot of history that I've read about in all my literature. I really liked going into the city finally. Tomorrow we're doing an open-top red bus tour just so we can get all the tourist sights in before I leave. I'm excited for that. Keeping me busy is a good way to avoid anxiety.

Now I'm off to the land of dreams.

The Jet-Lagged Hag

This is what I looked like when the jetlag finally hit me, at 2:30am, London time, on my third night here. Wide awake.

Travel Planning Makes me Feel Bipolar

I can't wait to just BE IN EUROPE. I still have anxiety when I reach my destination when traveling, but it's much less severe than the planning/getting there anxiety. I'm exhausted and I still have a few days to go. I've been waking up at all times of the night, being wide awake and ready for the day at 5:30am, and going to bed at 2, with waking up every hour in between. And it's not the normally pleasant wake up at 4am, look at my clock and realize I still have 3 hours to sleep happiness. Instead, I wake up panicked, wishing I was asleep so I wouldn't have to think about all the things that could go wrong or what I'm going to forget. This week I feel completely bipolar. One minute I'm happy, confident, and brave, and then the next second I'm in tears laying on the floor in my room or leaning over a shopping cart trying not to black out at Walmart. Yes, anxiety sometimes equals dizziness and fainting. I feel like I'm crazy. Last night I watched The Santa Clause 3 1/2 times, half because I was too lazy to get up and turn something else on, half because everything Christmas helps me calm down. Plus, who doesn't love Tim Allen? haha. Let's get this party started so I can stop feeling bipolar.

Anxiety at its Finest

If you've never had to deal with anxiety, there's really no way for you to understand just how much it sucks. Unlike most other human emotions, anxiety can't really be "cured". You can learn coping techniques and have therapy, but it doesn't ever completely go away...at least for me.

Tonight was my first real anxiety attack pre-Europe trip. This is about how it looked:

5:30am: I wake up, panicked, my heart beating fast. I realize it's dark outside and don't even want to know what time it is. It's 5:30, and my anxious mind and body are up for the day. I lay in bed and watch movies for 5 hours until someone else wakes up.

12:35pm: Some nice girls at church befriended me when Chani was working and I had to go alone.

12:40pm: We're singing the hymn and these lines came up in the song I Know that My Redeemer Lives:

"He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm my troubled heart." And I almost lose it in the middle of the meeting. I've been distracting myself and just not thinking about this trip at all. I guess I suddenly realized I needed all of those things.

4:30pm: I'm home alone, look at my already packed suitcase and my eyes fill with tears. I've got a real problem with suitcases. I watch Seinfeld and take a nap to distract myself.

Then I spent the evening with my amazingly supportive family. I think there were 24 Nixons gathered for dinner, and it was nice to be distracted and to have so many people who love and support me so close. They are all surprised that I'm actually embarking on this adventure, but they're all super supportive.

9:30pm: On the way home from dinner at grandma's, I completely lose it. I happen to be driving past the temple, which I've visited several times since I bought my plane tickets. It was already closed so I sat in my car and cried/freaked out/prayed for half an hour. When I got there I felt defeated and weak, and when I left I felt confident that I can do this. But I was still crying. Once the waterworks start, it's like a ruptured dam behind these eyeballs of mine.

10:00pm: I listened to church music in my car on the way home.

10:15pm: I made mate' and took 2 melatonin pills...there's no way I'm waking up at 5:30am again.

10:40pm: I'm still waiting for the melatonin to kick in. I have lavendar oil on my wrists and neck, and I'm watching The Santa Clause. I plan to listen to my anxiety CD of whales singing while I fall asleep.

See what I mean? Coping skills. Lavendar. Mate'. Singing whales. Temple. Church music. I know this trip is supposed to happen and I know it will, but it will take a lot for me to get there.

Rejections, Revisions and Rejuvenations

Apparently graduate schools don't even send rejection LETTERS anymore; they send rejection EMAILS for you to open by surprise at work on a Monday morning. Keeping it classy, Utah.

While I'm not at all surprised, I'm more upset about it than I thought I would be. I am not surprised because I did my applications last-minute and my statements of intent weren't fantastic because other than just loving school, I really don't have another reason to go to grad school this year. I had nothing else major planned for my life, so I figured graduate school was the next step.

Now that I know grad school is not a possibility for me this year, it's time to really kick it into high gear and make something happen. I've done enough planning; now it's time to GO. I cannot and will not let this year be as lame as last year was.

First up, EUROPE!!! Diana will be there for at least the next 6 months, and Kylie will be in France until June and Brittney will be in Germany until June as well. I have to go visit both of them while they are there!

I'm making some revisions on my goals for this year, as I'm constantly re-writing my own future and my own goals. When you are faced with rejection, the best thing you can do is re-write your own story and your own future.

Today's somewhat disappointing emails from grad schools solidified what I think I already knew: grad school isn't happening for me this year. While I'm sort of disappointed, I think it scared me more than anything, because now I know that this crazy, adventurous, brave, terrifying, mind-boggling year I'm planning for myself is happening!!! It's yet another sign and arrow pointing me toward the brink of this adventure I'm taking myself on.

I've felt sluggish and a little defeated in my plan-making the past few days; for some reason I let that negative, anxious, scared part of myself think that this adventure wasn't going to happen. These rejection letters emails have just rejuvenated my goals and plans for myself.

Delicous Pesto Green Pizza

Taken from HERE

1 pound prepared pizza dough, preferably whole-wheat
2 cups chopped broccoli florets
1/4 cup water
5 ounces arugula, any tough stems removed, chopped (about 6 cups)
Pinch of salt
Freshly ground pepper to taste
1/2 cup prepared pesto
1 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese

Preparation

Position oven rack in the lowest position; preheat to 450°F. Coat a large baking sheet with cooking spray.
Roll out dough on a lightly floured surface to about the size of the baking sheet. Transfer to the baking sheet. Bake until puffed and lightly crisped on the bottom, 8 to 10 minutes.
Meanwhile, cook broccoli and water in a large skillet over medium heat, covered, until the broccoli is crisp-tender, about 3 minutes. Stir in arugula and cook, stirring, until wilted, 1 to 2 minutes more. Season with salt and pepper.
Spread pesto evenly over the crust, top with the broccoli mixture and sprinkle with cheese. Bake until crispy and golden and the cheese is melted, 8 to 10 minutes.
MY TIPS
I use a pre-made gluten-free pizza crust, which is about the size and consistency of pita bread.
I like spinach much more than arugula, so I use that instead. I also make my own pesto because it's better and cheaper this way.